I Pray to Drunk I'm Not Zeus
Russell Brandon

I guess I have to start out with the common formalities. I am Elpenor son of … this really doesn’t matter seeing as how I’m dead so I’m going to start with my story. Just to set things straight, I want to make it known that I was NOT just another crewman of Odysseus’s. I was an integral part of the adventure. It seems to me that I’m depicted as “not terribly powerful in fighting, nor sound in his thoughts.”1 Everyone would have you think that I was a drunk but that is totally unfair. I was going through a very stressful experience. Sometimes one has to find a way to escape from the world. Not to mention that I had to watch half of my crew be turned into pigs. Maybe I should elaborate on the situation so you can know the story from every angle.

I should’ve known that Odysseus would get us into trouble. He always had to find out about everything. Curiosity can sometimes be a virtue but they also say that curiosity killed the cat. I know that Odysseus is the “man of many ways,” but does he really have to know everything? I mean honestly, how can someone risk the life of his entire crew just so he can meet some witch? But that’s for later. Now I’m going to tell you how I got to Circe’s island and how I met my rather embarrassing demise. It all began when we set off for home after defeating the Trojans. Everything seemed to be going well, but then disaster struck and our entire fleet of ships was either thrown off course or destroyed. This started the wonderful adventure that everyone so lovingly calls The Odyssey. It wasn’t an Odyssey, it was a death trap! There I was half expecting to get home safely and our pompous leaders forget to pay respects to the gods because they’re too busy bickering who gets what after the battle. I’ll never understand why leaders with so much already could care about something so little as “the spoils of war.” It seems so childish to fight over something so stupid. Well, us crewmen ended up paying for it in the end, but back to my story.

So after the fleet was thrown into disarray we were on our own with Odysseus as our leader. Granted, he’s a great guy, what with thinking up the Trojan horse2 and all, but he’s just too curious for his own good. More like our own good seeing as how he was pre-ordained to make it home. Don’t even get me started on how unfair that whole “heroic destiny” is. We were all by ourselves when we found the Kikonians. Odysseus planned a raid on their city and carried it out with great efficiency. I was left behind because I was the youngest crewman, but I didn’t really want to go. This probably contributed to the idea that I was not brave or heroic. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy fighting, I just enjoyed enjoying myself. What harm could dipping into the ship’s store of wine do while they were gone? I don’t remember much after spending some time below deck except that the Kikonians launched a counterattack and we had to get out of there fast. So there we were, no better off than before, when we found the island of the lotus eaters. Seeing as how we were all shaken up by our previous ordeal, Odysseus was nice enough to let us rest when we landed on the island. Predictably, Odysseus sent out some scouts to see what was going on and they never returned. We eventually found them and the poor men had totally forgotten everything. They had no urge to go home or to do anything but eat the lotus.

We had to forcefully take them back to the ship and tie them down. Frankly, I think we should’ve left them to be happy eating the lotus.3 We left the lotus eaters behind and continued on our “odyssey.”4

Our next stop was probably one of the hardest. The land of the Cyclopes was yet another place ripe for exploration. Odysseus decided to lead the scouting party instead of risking other’s lives for his own gains. I was perfectly content with being left behind at the ship yet again. Unfortunately I wasn’t told that they would be taking a large amount of our wine stores. This coupled with the fact that there were no bars or taverns from which to get drink left me in a rather foul mood. Ironically, I was glad to see Odysseus rushing back to the ship with marginally less company and a large blind fellow in tow. I didn’t know what all the fuss was about, but I know that large boulders were hurled and words were exchanged which ended up with Odysseus being cursed by Poseidon’s son. Yet again, Odysseus’s lack of reverence made our journey even harder.5

The next few weeks were a blur to me seeing as I had a lot of stress to relieve. It was traumatic to hear the tale of Polyphemos from the survivors and apparently while I was mourning the deaths of my fellow crewmen, a bag of winds was opened and threw us far off course and a race of giants destroyed all of the ships except for the one I was on.6 After these events we reached Circe’s island, which is where my story takes a very sad turn. I was lucky enough to not be in the first scouting party, who were turned into pigs by Circe. I was glad not to share this fate with my companions and Odysseus was lucky enough to defeat Circe’s magic and gain her respect. We then set up residence with Circe and I was happy to relieve my stress daily. Unfortunately, infidelity didn’t last long enough for Odysseus and he felt the urge to leave. I was relaxing on the roof de-stressing, when the men raised a huge noise as if to leave and in my rush to see what happened I fell off of the roof. That’s right, I fell off the roof. I know it’s not as valiant a way to die as getting your head lopped off in battle, but accidents happen. Laugh if you must, but I died happy.

That’s not the end of my story, but it is drawing near. Odysseus still has a role to play and, unfortunately, it involves his severe lack of respect for all things spiritual. I was sent to the underworld thinking I would never see my old crew again when, lo and behold, Odysseus shows up on my doorstep. This was a very welcome occasion, seeing as he forgot to bury me in his rush to return home. I got him straightened out and I’ve been here in the underworld ever since. I only wish there was more to do, but I definitely don’t miss being chased by giants and being yelled at by blind, one-eyed men.

Notes
1 Homer X 552-553
2 If it were up to me it would’ve been a Trojan rabbit. Or badger.
3 Heck, I would’ve stayed with them if not for the numerous bottles of wine I had left at home.
4 Again, not trying to be cynical, but odyssey is not very appropriate. Crazy venture of death would make much more sense.
5 Although it couldn’t get much harder than having no “stress-relievers” on a hard journey.
6 I see this as a blessing from Dionysus, seeing as how the bulk of the fleet’s wine was on Odysseus’s ship.

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