|
TRANSLATING THE WANT-AD
|
| "COMPETITIVE
SALARY" |
We
remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. |
| "JOIN
OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" |
We
have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. |
| "NATIONALLY
RECOGNIZED LEADER" |
Inc.
Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative
since. |
| "IMMEDIATE
OPENING" |
The
person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now
running the ad. |
| "SALES
POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER" |
We're
not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait
30 days for your first commission check. |
| "SELF-MOTIVATED" |
Management
won't answer questions. |
| "WE
OFFER GREAT BENEFITS" |
After
90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. |
| "PENSION/RETIREMENT
BENEFITS" |
After
3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll
give you a 5 percent matching contribution. |
| "SEEKING
ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE" |
....who
still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. |
| "CASUAL
WORK ATMOSPHERE" |
We
don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the
real daring guys wear earrings. |
| "COMPETITIVE
ENVIRONMENT" |
We
have a lot of turnover. |
| "EXCITING
AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" |
Guys
in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on
yachts. |
| "JOIN
OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" |
We
all listen to nutty motivational tapes. |
| "FUN
WORK ENVIRONMENT" |
Your
coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. |
| "A
DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT" |
We
booze it up at company parties. |
| "MUST
BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" |
You'll
be six months behind schedule on your first day. |
| "SOME
PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED" |
If
we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. |
| "SOME
OVERTIME REQUIRED" |
Some
time each night and some time each weekend. |
| "SALARY
RANGE $24k-$32k" |
We'll
offer you $22k to start. |
| "A
HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION" |
You'll
give boring speeches on your own time. |
| "FLEXIBLE
HOURS" |
Work
40 hours; get paid for 25. |
| "DUTIES
WILL VARY" |
Anyone
in the office can boss you around. |
| "WHERE
EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED" |
Those
who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. |
| "MUST
HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" |
We
have no quality control. |
| "COLLEGE
DEGREE PREFERRED" |
Unless
you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy,
English or religion. |
| "CAREER-MINDED" |
Female
applicants must must be childless (and remain that way). |
| "APPLY
IN PERSON" |
If
you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. |
| "NO
PHONE CALLS PLEASE" |
We've
filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. |
| "SEEKING
CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" |
You'll
need it to replace three people who just left. |
| "PROBLEM-SOLVING
SKILLS A MUST" |
You're
walking into a company in perpetual chaos. |
| "REQUIRES
TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" |
You'll
have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. |
| "GOOD
COMMUNICATION SKILLS" |
Management
communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. |
| "ABILITY
TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" |
You
whine, you're fired. |
| "ASPIRATIONS
FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY" |
We
loooooove brown-nosers. |