Caduceus Newsletter:

Valentine's Day 2003 Special Edition

è 1. I guess it's really true what they say, that opposites do attract each other!
è 2. A 120 year-old man has been married 23 times.(!) (From a BBC report.)
è 3. Hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
è 4. If it's Valentine's Day, Spring Break can't be too far away -- so here are some alcohol warnings.
è 5. How Drunk Drivers are Treated in Other Countries, (from Ann Landers)
è 6. Clever…very clever.
è 7. Quotable quotes…
è 8. From the Ross-Simons first edition 2003 catalogue. (In case you missed giving your significant other something significant for Christmas.)

è 1. I guess it's really true what they say, that opposites do attract each other!

è 2. A 120 year-old man has been married 23 times.(!) (From a BBC report.)

Mudda, king of a traditional tribe in the southern state of Kerala, India, doesn't know how old he is, but villages believe him to be 120 years old.

What he DOES know is that he has married 23 times and fathered "too many children to remember."

Moopan CAN recall the names of only 16 of his wives, the youngest of whom is in her early 30's. His youngest child is 11 years old, (!), the newspaper says.

Moopan claims the secret of his longevity is a paste of 10 rare herbs that he takes three times a day. But he won't reveal the ingredients of the paste.

(WHAT A GUY!!)

Meet Mudda Moopan. é

è 3. Hey, it's the thought that counts, right? 

è 4. If it's Valentine's Day, Spring Break can't be too far away -- so here are some alcohol warnings.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

• The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ass hole.
• The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
• The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary, whose species and/or name you can't remember.
• The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are really tougher, smarter, faster and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
• The consumption alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
• The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

è 5. How Drunk Drivers are Treated in Other Countries, (from Ann Landers)

Australia - The names of convicted drunk drivers are published in the newspaper Drunk & Disorderly.

South Africa - Drunk Drivers are given a 10 year prison term, a $10,000 fine, or both, depending upon the judge.

Turkey - Drunk drivers are taken 20 miles out of town by the police and forced to walk back under escort.

Malaysia - The driver is jailed. If the offender is married, the spouse is also jailed.

Russia - The offender's driver's license is revoked by for life.

France - The convicted must spend 1 year in jail, lose their license for one year and pay a $1,000 fine.

Bulgaria - A second conviction of drunk driving is the last. The punishment is execution.

El Salvador - Drunk driver (first offenders, that is) are executed by firing squad.

è 6. Clever…very clever.

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform
well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of
Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not
rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell clapper in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on
to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No
Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

è 7. Quotable quotes

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

-- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

-- Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."

-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

è 8. From the Ross-Simons first edition 2003 catalogue. (In case you missed giving your significant other something significant for Christmas.)

Ross-Simons specializes in fine jewelry, tableware, and collectibles. These items, in time for Valentine's Day, are from their "first edition 2003" catalogue. For more information, go to ross-simons.com or call 1-800-556-7376.