Caduceus Newsletter: Valentine's Day 2005 Special Edition

è 1. Another icon of childhood innocence, lost forever…I think I'm gonna cry.
è 2. From a woman's perspective…
è 3. And that's exactly what the salesman promised…
è 4. Too-narrow seats pose injury hazard to men on bikes. Reprinted, with permission from Dr. Peter Gott, from his Health advice column, September 2002.
è 5. The Bexfield Diamond…
è 6. Straight from the Journal of Irreproducible Results! Chances of a man winning an argument with a woman as a function of time.
è 7. The farmer
è 8. The meaning of marriage, from Kenyard.
è 9. Derivation of the phrase "Tie the knot."
è 10. Euphemisms for the phrase "having sex."
è 11. Condom testing reveals best brands: Planned Parenthood condom performs worst (From cnn.com, Tuesday, January 4, 2005)
è 12. Sex education in the Internet age.
è 13. FDA debates OTC morning-after pill, from CNN.com, Monday, January 17, 2005
è 14. What's in a name? A retired pharmaceutical sales representative forwarded this essay to me, so I figured that he ought to know.

è 1. Another icon of childhood innocence, lost forever…I think I'm gonna cry.

è 2. From a woman's perspective…

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

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He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

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He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

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On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"

Written just below it . . . " I do not"

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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

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Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds eventually mature.

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Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

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Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.

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Q. What do you call a woman who knows exactly where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.

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Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

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SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

è 3. And that's exactly what the salesman promised… 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me....... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. 

è 4. Too-narrow seats pose injury hazard to men on bikes. Reprinted, with permission from Dr. Peter Gott, from his Health advice column, September 2002. 

The following question was posed to Dr. Peter Gott, who has a Health advice column in the Commercial Appeal:

Before I share Dr. Gott's reply, wouldn't YOU send a reply to this fellow that would say something like, "Well, DUHHHHHHHH!!"

Anyway, here is Dr. Gott's reply:

Without question. ("Well, DUHHHHHH!!")

Experts caution all male bicycle riders to become aware of the potential risks of the activity, to stop riding immediately if penile numbness occurs, and to change to a wider, more comfortable saddle, such as the Super Saddle. For more information about the Super Saddle, contact ABS Sports Inc. They can be reached by telephone at (609) 371-1554, and online at http://www.abs-sports.com .

In other words, son, if you ARE experiencing penile numbness, IT SHOULD DAMN WELL CONCERN YOU, BOY!!

è 5. The Bexfield Diamond

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Bexfield Diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Bexfield." 

è 6. Straight from the Journal of Irreproducible Results! Chances of a man winning an argument with a woman as a function of time!!

è 7. The farmer

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, foxed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

è 8. The meaning of marriage, from Kenyard

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, My Love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lolly Pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochi Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But My Sweet Honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...

"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

è 9. Derivation of the phrase "Tie the knot."

The expression "tie the knot" has several origins, including: the Latin phrase nodus Herculeus, which means that the groom was to loosen the bride's girdle; the Hindu marriage ceremony in which the groom knots a ribbon around the bride's neck; the Parsees, who bound the hands of the bridegroom; and the Carthaginians, who tied the thumbs of the bride and bridegroom with a leather lace.

From: http://www.austinchronicle.com/mrpants/language.html

è 10. Euphemisms for the phrase "having sex."

Trobriand Islanders (off the coast of New Guinea) have euphemism for having sex that translates to "scraping the tapioca."

è 11. Condom testing reveals best brands: Planned Parenthood condom performs worst (From cnn.com, Tuesday, January 4, 2005)

(Reuters) -- The consumers group best known for rating cars and washing machines has turned its testing prowess to condoms to find out which ones measure up best and how other birth control methods compare.

The nonprofit Consumers Union says in a new guide to contraception that the seven top types of condom they studied did not burst despite vigorous testing, and all models met international standards.

But results showed that the top brand, able to take the most punishment, was the Durex Extra Sensitive Lubricated Latex, according to the report.

Other top-performers include the Durex Performax Lubricated, Lifestyles Classic Collection Ultra Sensitive Lubricated and TheyFit Lubricated.

A melon-colored model distributed by Planned Parenthood performed the worst, bursting during a test in which the latex condoms were filled with air.

The group says its review of contraceptives was not politically motivated, although there is an intense debate among health professionals and advocacy groups about the focus on abstinence-only education by the Bush administration.

"We plan our testing programs quite a while in advance. This is purely accidental," said senior editor Nancy Metcalf.

Consumers Union uses standardized tests to rate the products it examines, which for latex condoms involves filling them with air. There is no accepted method to test silicon or non-latex condoms.

"You end up with a balloon 3 feet tall and a foot wide. (Ed. Note: To get an idea of the magnitude of this thing, visit http://www.cbu.edu/~seisen/CadValentine2001.htm . Don't say I didn't warn ya.) They can really stretch an amazing amount," Metcalf said in a telephone interview.

The New York-based organization, which publishes the Consumer Reports magazine, also tested 16 other contraceptive choices.

"Condoms remain the only family planning and pregnancy prevention method that can help prevent sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, which causes AIDS," the group, which has issued similar reports on condoms periodically since 1979, said in a statement.

"Condoms have improved since the mid-nineties because industry manufacturing standards have become more universally used and more effective," added Edward Kippel, who led the condom test project.

Intrauterine devices or IUDs have also become safer than in previous years, as have birth control pills, including so-called emergency contraception, the group said.

While abstinence has a 0 percent failure rate, doing nothing to prevent pregnancy has an 85 percent failure rate, the group found.

A U.S. government report published last month shows 98 percent of all U.S. women who have had sex have used birth control.

è 12. Sex education in the Internet age.

Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

è 13. FDA debates OTC morning-after pill, from CNN.com, Monday, January 17, 2005

 WASHINGTON (AP) -- The government is considering whether to make morning-after birth control available without a prescription, and like most issues that involve sex and pregnancy, it has generated heated debate.

Fierce arguments have gone on inside and outside the Food and Drug Administration, which may decide as soon as this week whether drug stores can sell the emergency contraception known as Plan B without a prescription to women age 16 and older.

Each side accuses the other of manipulating science for political purpose.

Plan B supporters say the pill is a safe way to prevent thousands of unwanted pregnancies and the abortions that sometimes follow. Making the contraception available over the counter, they say, is crucial for women who might need the protection over a weekend or when it is difficult to obtain a prescription.

Plan B can prevent pregnancy for up to 72 hours after sex. The sooner the pill is taken, the more effective it is.

"Women's reproductive rights shouldn't hinge on someone else's schedule. We should have this at our fingertips. It should be next to condoms in drug stores," said Kelly Mangan, 22, president of the University of Florida's chapter of the National Organization for Women. She was arrested this month in a protest outside the FDA's headquarters in suburban Maryland.

Opponents worry that the drug encourages women -- teenagers in particular -- to have risky sex. If over-the-counter sales are permitted, older teenagers or adults might buy the pills for some of their younger friends or their sexual partners, critics say.

"It encourages risky sexual activity with the promise `just pop a pill in the morning and you don't need to worry about pregnancy,"' said Wendy Wright of Concerned Women of America, a conservative group that focuses on social issues.

"What we're concerned about is a number of young people who are not engaged in sexual activity who feel tremendous pressure, and this will only add to the pressure that is on them," Wright said.

Not contested, by either side, is that the drug is drug is safe or effective. Some who work for the FDA believed that questions about people's sexual behavior were overwhelming scientific ones, according to an internal agency memo written last year.

"Some staff have expressed the concern that this decision is based on non-medical implications of teen sexual behavior, or judgments about the propriety of this activity," said the memo by the FDA's acting drug chief, Dr. Steven Galson.

"These issues are beyond the scope of our drug approval process, and I have not considered them in this decision," wrote Galson, who last spring rejected the first application for Plan B's sale over the counter.

A study this month is providing evidence for both sides.

Researchers in San Francisco found that women who were given a supply of Plan B to keep at home were no more likely to have unprotected intercourse that women who had to go to a clinic or pharmacy for the contraceptive. Women with easy access were more likely to use Plan B, leading researchers to conclude that easy access could prevent unwanted pregnancies.

But the study, which only followed women for six months, found that the two groups had about the same pregnancy rate, undercutting the argument that Plan B prevents unwanted pregnancies and abortion.

Last May, the FDA rejected nonprescription sales of emergency contraception, against the overwhelming recommendation of the agency's own scientific advisers.

The FDA said it worried that there was not enough data about the pill's use by young teenagers. The agency promised to reconsider if the pill's manufacturer, Barr Laboratories of Pomona, New York, figured out how to sell over the counter only to those 16 and older.

In July, Barr again applied for approval. The company now proposes that drug stores check customers' ages to be certain that buyers are at least 16, an approach the FDA has not approved before. Younger teenagers could continue to get the drug with a doctor's prescription.

The morning-after pill is a higher dose of the contraceptive hormones found in the Pill. It prevents ovulation or fertilization, and can prevent a fertilized egg from implanting into the uterus.

Because medical experts do not consider a woman to be pregnant until after an egg implants into the uterus, the morning-after pill is not considered abortion, although some conservatives object to any interference with a fertilized egg.

If a woman already is pregnant, morning-after pills have no effect. But taken within 72 hours of unprotected intercourse, they can cut a woman's chances of pregnancy by up to 89 percent.

The decision to reject Barr's first application led critics to say that the FDA was bending to conservative politics.

"A treatment for any other condition, from hangnail to headache to heart disease, with a similar record of safety and efficacy would be approved quickly," three physicians on the FDA advisory committee wrote in an editorial published by the New England Journal of Medicine last April.

They said that requiring customers to prove their age or putting the drug behind the counter are steps "designed to intimidate women." The authors noted that the advisory committee rejected such moves.

"In this case, there is no medical dispute," the wrote. "Rather, the delay results from the concern of some groups ... that the availability of the drug may have a corrupting influence on sexual behavior. If easy access to the drug could have such an influence, it would seem that the battle had already been lost."

è 14. What's in a name? A retired pharmaceutical sales representative forwarded this essay to me, so I figured that he ought to know.

 In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol® is acetaminophen. Aleve® is known as naproxen, Amoxil® is amoxicillin, and Advil® is ibuprophen.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered: Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra® than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them."